I don't think fearlessness means to exist in the absolute absence of fear. That's not possible for a human being to do- we all feel fear in some way or another. Fearlessness is the ability to take the fear you feel and turn all the negative energy it throws at you towards your goal, towards the positive. To be able to skydive and to be able to allow something like a lover cheating on you not phase you are both qualities of fearlessness. We will always feel some sort of bodily or emotional harm (even if it's very very slight it is there), but when we come to the conclusion that we don't need to let that fear guide us, but rather that our knowledge of our own strength should be our compass, we can begin to live fearlessly.

I heard something really interesting and kind of disturbing the other night on the ride home from school.
It was from a tattooed guy who was talking to a girl on his mom's (bright pink) cell phone about a conversation they had a few nights before. Apparently, she had told him that she was in love with him, and from what I could tell from his end of the conversation they were good friends. He said to her at one point, "I don't know that I could ever say 'I love you' to someone and mean it. I think that phrase is thrown around too much anyway."

I got into a pretty long dialogue with that guy after he got off the phone. It started off with me saying, quite simply, "Liar."
After he got over the shock of a stranger's commentary on his life, we started to talk- about what he was afraid of, and why he didn't want to accept love ever again. It was an argument I've heard before, and one I'll never believe that anyone can truly and wholeheartedly believe in. He said that his heart had been broken too many times, and that he didn't think it was worth it to get into that situation again. He told me that people say they love one another too much and too often.

Forgive me, but what the hell? That is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. Love is the only thing we don't throw around enough. We say how we hate things, and many people do chide one another by reminding that hate is a strong word (I'm guilty of using it, too), but to limit oneself to not feeling love is to reduce yourself to a state that is entirely unnecessarily painful and weak. If you love something, someone, then say it. Remove whatever fear you have of rejection, of looking stupid or sappy, and sing it out. The strength to demonstrate love outweighs the strength to withold yourself from feeling it a thousandfold.

Home is the safe place I've found in every true friend I've ever had. It's the warmth and the rise of breathlessness I get when someone says something that speaks to me on a level that resonates in my own consciousness and gives me a feeling of connection. It's the feeling of belonging to this planet first, and to humanity second.  Oftentimes I don't and don't want to belong to the majority humanity. Home is when I find a place or a person which makes me proud to belong to both groups. Home is walking alone at night in total silence, feeling utterly safe and secure in my own skin and thoughts. Home is knowing that I always have somewhere to go, even if that retreat extends no further than my own mind. Home is the knowledge that in the strength of my love for myself, for other people and for the world we spin on I will always be able to find a place to rest and be at peace, if only for a moment.

This was an assignment from the Diving Deeper Creative Writing group here- to write for 20 minutes straight, without editing, from nothing but the prompt of 'solitary confinement'. Here's what came out of me.



Breaking News-

I was not meant for participation in humanity. Solidarity of my soul will come only in solitude. I'm strong enough to keep this vow, if not to protect my own sanity then to protect the world around me.
Take it away, was all she could say when I came out at last, tiny and barely breathing after eight months of growth fueled by my mother's will to expel me and nourished by a cocktail of chemicals. Maybe that's where it started. Maybe that's why I'm this way; the reason that the moment my mother cast me away to return to her heroin coma she exploded into seizures and expired. The reason that the nurse who held me close, raised me and protected me, can never die, and will exist in a state of limbo until the end of eternity, accidentally tortured for her love. The reason that my dreams turn true when I awake, and those who cause my nightmares burn out before either of us can realize what's happening. Maybe it was my mother's drugs, or maybe her hate. It doesn't matter so much anymore, the past. I am an unexplainable, unjustifiable little flamethrower. I'd have killed myself a long time ago, if it wasn't for the knives bending backwards as they touched my wrists and neck, or the ropes melting into sand, trickling down over me as I fell into a sobbing heap next to countless chairs. My mind is an externality, and finally, I have caged it.
If this is found, know that you must not seek me out. This is a letter of solace to those who know of me. I have taken myself out of the world, and I won't be a danger any longer.
I am a castle in the hillside, alone and undiscovered. There are thousands of rooms to wander through, places inhabited hundreds of years ago. I can still feel the breath of the people who walked here. I hear them speak sometimes, from far away and years back, pieces of conversation stuck in the air. I haunt with them, the ghosts I cannot alter or harm. Echoes, to keep me company in rooms of stone and metal and thead-bare tapestry. They are gone, and I am here indefinitely, and so we form a little family of never-ending thought and imprint.
I digress. The reason for this declaration, this letter of apology, is not to tell you of my new home or my fate. I warn you, instead, that I am always here. The soul that can take humanity back to the dark ages will live on with you as a blight, perhaps a punishment. Our species has become one whose members should not be proud to belong to. A baby is born, and given the power to stop time, to end or extend life, to breathe vitality and inflict violence for miles. No one should have that power, that burden. I was born to keep you in check, and I cannot bear that burden. You have been given a reprieve. A chance to begin again, to lift yourselves from the muck you've been bathing in.
I will confine myself forever if I must. Until the day this planet dies, I will remain alone and docile under one condition. Resume your places as protectors of the lives you've been given, and I will happily continue my confinement. I will watch, and if the skies continue to darken and the road continues to crumble, if mothers too high to care for lives of babies and men too drunk on power to care for the lives of anything outside of themselves continue to rule and proliferate, confinement will be suspended.
I have every hope in you all.
A.S.

According to a letter dated two days ago, the notorious Anabel Simon has disappeared. There have been no reports of any disturbances or sightings of the so-called “L.A. Demon-girl,” supporting the widespread speculation that the letter is not indeed a hoax. However, it is imperative to keep in mind the threatening nature of the letter and the immense danger of the continued existence of such a creature. The president has just issued the following statement-

''We should all remain vigilant. Despite any claims of peace on the part of Simon she is a dangerous, volatile, psychopathic and uncontrollable individual. We are very close to generating a method of destroying her, and so any information on her whereabouts is vital. I understand that there have been claims from a few outliers that she could very well prove to be a savior of humanity; the legendary 'fountain of youth' in the form of a woman. I assure you, this is entirely untrue and unfounded. Anabel Simon is, as I have stated, uncontrollable and therefore an immense danger. I will do everything in my power to rid the world of this clear and immediate danger before she can cause any further harm. Thank you, God bless, and good night.''

A valiant and reassuring statement indeed from the Commander in Chief. Stay tuned for more news and updates at 10.

You know, since I was a little kid I've never really been affected by stress like other people. I see the way the majority of my friends and family react to things, and firstly, it is not a pretty sight. Secondly, I never saw any use in 'freaking out'- crying and hyperventilating and the like. I didn't internalize it either, though- stress just never hit me that hard. The SATs, and college applications, and interviews, and track meets- I felt a sort of pressure, of course, but nothing uncomfortable. It was always a feeling that spurred me forward, that made me excited and excitable.
I let myself feel everything, because I don't believe that life is meant to be lived numb to everything. We need to feel to be able to react, and I've always felt sorry for people who think that cutting themselves off from their instincts and emotions, as it's an integral part of who and what we are. On the same token, though, I don't let my emotions run my body completely. I know people who, when sad, literally can't bring themselves to get out of bed or even try to crack a smile. I let myself experience the sadness, and then I let the strength of my other emotions- my happiness, my optimism, my hope- overtake that sadness and put it away. My body has never felt emotionally unbalanced for very long, and then only when something drastic happens. I try to live in a quasi meditative state; feeling everything, whether good or bad, toxic or nurturing, letting all my emotions filter through my body, sifting out the poisonous things like jealousy and grudge along the way until i'm left with the positive.

I think I'm supposed to be a story teller.
Whatever I wind up doing, I believe that that's my purpose, mission, whatever you want to call it. If your purpose in life is something that gives you meaning, then I should be a storyteller, and if your purpose is something that you're good at and that you believe you can change the world with, then again, I think I'll be a storyteller.