Anything, everything, and nothing at all. We are not so much hanging as we are floating through our respective existences. We do not hang helpless; we are able to propel ourselves in any direction we please as soon as we find the strength to swim. That is what hangs in the balance. We are always on the border of floating and propulsion, a balance of allowing things to happen and creating the lives we wish to lead. If we allow ourselves to hang in precarious balance, we become lost and numbed. When we attain balance, we find, and when we find we realize the need to continue to seek. It is in this cycle that we realize our purposes and our visions. It is this cycle that hangs on our first decision- to float or swim.

Somewhere I can feel palpable change.
I am so incredibly happy to have happened upon this place.

I actually started a blog on wordpress the other day, but I think that this is where my thoughts will have a better home. I'm going to transfer everything over to here, so here goes!

Anyone who recognizes that as a line from Jack's Mannequin gets brownie points.

But in all seriousity now (and yes, I did make up that word), those are some of the wisest words I've ever heard.

The guy who wrote that was diagnosed with leukemia at 23, fought through it, and kept on going. The full song lyrics are at the bottom. Anyone who wishes to ridicule me for listening to Jack's Mannequin can do so as they please, because frankly I don't give a hoot. But I'll save my feelings on other people's opinions of me for another post.

The point that this song brings me to is the same that someone else who is very wise beyond his years brought to my attention tonight. He told me, in more descriptive words than I can recall, that it isn't worth it to worry about things. Any types of things. Terrible things, tiny things, medium sized things with a side of fries.

In essence, it seems to work like this:

1. People stress themselves out. Something unbelievably awful and traumatic happens in the morning- you forget your keys, you spill coffee, you miss your train, you realize you have something due in a class you hate and haven't prepared for.

2. After this completely unforeseen and completely unfair event, something else happens. You trip up some stairs with a bunch of people watching. There's a pretty pink parking ticket stuck in the windshield wiper of your beloved car. Someone looks at you funny in the street.

3. And so on, and so forth. Until all these things keep building on you, and their chain of consequences weighs you down, and down, and down. Then you run around whining about the sorry state of your life to all your friends, who eventually get sick of you. What could be worse? How could your life possibly deteriorate further?

Bad news- it will keep deteriorating until you're an old crotchet with ulcers and bitter remarks for any hapless happy youngsters you encounter  if you don't get the hell out of the middle of that illogical and idiotic road you're walking.

If you just realized that you're one of those people in the middle of that freeway of unnecessary pain, I hope you realize by the end of this that it's high time for you to get out of there, Frogger style.

I have always operated on my most base level like a little kid. I keep my fears as limited as possible my making it a point to overcome them through experience. I try to soak up as much information as possible from everything I contact. And most importantly, my emotional and mental stress levels peak once every... well, it's been 18 years. You think I'm lying, don't you? Fine. I know, though.

I know that letting it all pass on through you instead of catching it and holding it and gripping it (if i'm losing you or you haven't been paying attention, the 'it' is stress and hurt and all the crap that life throws at you) is the most incredible form of coping. Become a filter, not a catch-all, and the bad stuff will pass through the grates and wash away. You're left with whatever you can glean from the force that hit you.

So next time you're about to explode or implode or what have you, breathe. Take in air. Respire. Close the eyes. It's a ticket, a spill, a glitch in your schedule. Will it matter next week? Heck, will you remember it happened next week? Nope. You won't. So let it go, open the eyes so you don't bang into something, and keep moving.

Hang on, don't panic, there simply is no need, cause we're all hanging here.

Peace, and much love.

From an empty room on the first floor
As the cars pass by the liqour store
I deconstruct my thoughts at this piano
And it's all that I can do to stay with
All the things I didn't say to you
Before you moved across the country
And from the burning building where I lay
As I watch the stars become the day
The L.A. girls were lacing up their sneakers
They run the boardwalks and the beach
This fishbowl life is all they need
It's everything I needed, too
Until I heard the news

I'll send this message through the speakers
They told me that you moved
I'll cross this country on a frequency

I'm slipping through, I'm slipping through
I'm slipping into the airwaves
And this is nothing new, you are slipping through
My fingers and into the airwaves
The static's where you'll find me

From the corner by the studio
The gold-soaked afternoon comes slow
I deconstruct my thoughts and I am walking by
On Third Street, the freakshow thrives
Santa Monica's alive, but
Something's not so right inside
Living with the news

I'll send this message through the speakers
They told me that you moved
I'll cross this country on a frequency

I am slipping through, I am slipping through
I am slipping into the airwaves
(The static's where you'll find me)
And this is nothing new, you are slipping through
My fingers and into the airwaves
Into the airwaves

So hold on, it's gonna be hard day
So hang on, now. Don't panic
Don't panic, there simply is no need

It's gonna be a hard day
It's gonna be a hard day
Don't panic, don't panic
We are hanging here
We are hanging here

I am slipping through, I am slipping through
I am slipping into the airwaves
(The static's where you'll find me)
And this is nothing new, you are slipping through
My fingers and into the airwaves
Into the airwaves

It's gonna be a hard day
(It's gonna be a hard day)
So hang on, now
Don't panic, don't panic
There simply is no need

It's gonna be a hard day
(It's gonna be a hard day)
It's gonna be a hard day
Don't panic, don't panic
We are hanging here

(It's gonna be a hard day)
We are hanging here
(It's gonna be a hard day)
We are hanging here
We are hanging here

*above lyrics are the work of Jacks Mannequin and are used here for therapeutic and educational purposes. I did not write them (though I wish I did), and I do not claim to have written them.

I've always eaten a lot of chinese food. My parents aren't so into cooking all the time, so pizza and chinese are dietary staples. I started collecting the little fortune cookie fortunes in a glass bowl in my room last year. I just looked today and there were 21 of them sitting in there. I figure their infinite wisdom will be safer here, so here they are.

Your reputation is your wealth.
Lucky Numbers 16, 17, 26, 27, 26 (wow, 26 must be reaaallly lucky), 37
Learn Chinese: To Shave [(gua) (lian)]

An unexpected relationship will become permanent.
Lucky numbers 44, 5, 37, 12, 28, 14
Learn Chinese: May (Wu-yue)

Regenerate your system through diet and exercise. Save the cookies!
Lucky Numbers: 12, 16, 20, 21, 29, 35
Learn Chinese: Vegetable (Shu-cai)

The person who learns to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
Lucky Numbers: 21, 27, 37, 8, 10, 5
Learn Chinese: Birthday (Sheng-dan-jie)

Seek to assert your devotion when a worthy situation arises.
Lucky Numbers: 21, 27, 39, 40, 43, 46
Learn Chinese: Spring Roll (Chun-juan) (going for practicality here I see)

The person closest to you is more important than you realize.
Lucky Numbers: 2, 31, 44, 27, 19, 3
Learn Chinese: Boss (Lao-ban)

The principle business of life is to enjoy it.** my favorite so far**
Lucky Numbers: 29, 31, 4, 15, 7, 32
Learn Chinese: Bank (Yin Hang)

Every person is the creation of himself, the image of his own thinking and believing. **a close
second favorite**
Lucky Numbers: 14, 27, 33, 5, 28, 4
Learn Chinese: Delicious (Hao-chi)

The definition of courage is to have an open bar. (uh, maybe if your family's irish).
Lucky Numbers: 3, 7, 23, 5, 14, 10
Learn Chinese: Don't (Mae yao)

:) You will spend old age in comfort and material wealth :) (good to know. those smiley faces
are actually on the fortune, by the way.)
Daily Numbers: 5, 1, 9
Lotto Six #'s: 45, 40, 5, 28, 26, 15 (wow, fancy one)

Vision is not seeing things as they are, but as they should be.
Learn Chinese: Fish (Yu)
No Lucky Numbers?! Way to drop the ball, fortune cookie

Change is happening in your life, so go with the flow!
Lucky Numbers: 6, 25, 11, 47, 9, 38
Learn Chinese: Sugar (Tang)

If you promise someone something, keep it. (wait. hold on now. keep it? keep the something
you promised someone? that's either terrible advice or terrible wording.)
Lucky Numbers: 46, 8, 17, 9, 3, 35
Learn Chinese: March (San-yue)

A person is never too old to learn.
Lucky Numbers: 16, 9, 22, 34, 45, 11
Learn Chinese: April (Si-yue)

:) A thrilling time is in your immediate future. :)
Daily Numbers: 4, 1, 7
Lotto Six #'s: 7, 42, 15, 46, 9, 3

Politeness costs nothing and gains everything.
Lucky Numbers: 10, 13, 17, 20, 29, 29
Learn Chinese: Student (Xue-sheng)

Do not follow where the path may lead. Go where there is no path... and leave a trail.
(way to steal from Ralph Waldo Emerson)
Lucky Numbers: 12, 20, 37, 44, 36, 8
Learn Chinese: Children (Hai-zi)

There are many unexpected and thrilling surprises in store for you! (these things severely
overestimate the thrill of my life).
Lucky Numbers: 6, 11, 22, 24, 36, 37
Learn Chinese: BLANK. Unacceptable.

The skills you have gathered will one day come in handy.
Lucky Numbers: 1, 11, 12, 13, 20, 36
Learn Chinese: AGAIN, blank!

Stuff happens. It is your response that counts. (My dad says this too, except instead of stuff
it's shit and the second part is "get a helmet.")
Lucky Numbers: 5, 34, 46, 15, 22, 13
Learn Chinese: September (Jiu- yue)

 

I was a runner in high school, and for the past two years whenever autumn comes around I miss running through the trails, with the smells of wet leaves and mulch and green turning yellow. It reminds me of a really beautiful, simple, free part of my life that I will have with me forever. I do my autumn runs alone now, instead of with my team, and they're just as liberating. As spring means rebirth to some people, autumn always felt like a kind of revival time for me.

There's this painting my dad did a long time ago, back when I was nine or ten. It's the silhouette of trees against a sky that gradates from a grapefruity pink-orange to a blue like a frozen pond to a heavy, saturated purple. It was always my favorite. I watched him paint it, saw how he primed the open canvas, how he built the sky from his palette of oil paint lumps. He'd pick up a brush. paint a stroke or two, replace it and repeat. He placed the trees last, every minuscule line put in the exact spot it needed to be to become a branch. When he finished, and it sat resting against the den wall with his others, I would sit in front of it and study it. It was never the process or the skill I was so hungry to learn, but the seeing. He painted with no guide but a mind's eye. I wanted one too, and I wanted to learn how to use it.
Eventually, I forgot about the painting. It's been put away in some unworthy corner of our storage room for years along with the rest, after he was tired of seeing them lined up along the wall like expectant little windows.
Today, I saw it again. The painting is still hidden somewhere downstairs; it was'nt what I was looking at.
Tonight, outside of my train window, was the enigma I had forgotten for nearly ten years.  Same sky, same colors, silhouettes of skyscrapers instead of a treeline. Every line was placed as delicately as I remember, all towards a singular purpose.
The thing that got me wasn't so much the sight as it was the feeling. That city was where I have been meant to be. I had a feeling of incredible peace for a while, but I was unaware of its origin. It comes from knowing the direction you're running and the movement of the winds which push you are the same. Which brought me back to age 9, sitting in my basement surrounding with the smell of oil paint. I knew then that the ability my father had to see from his heart first and his eyes second would be mine when I was old enough to claim it.
The sky was a gentle reminder of that realization, that I have followed my sight to the right place.
I've learned that signs and signals surround us. They mean nothing on their own, but that sky in the context of my brain became a sign that the path I'm on is the one my nine-year old self would be proud of. And had I been on a road less favorable, the sundown would have taken me to where my mind should be. These little guides are everywhere; we are never entirely lost. They are not concrete proof of some higher design or divinity. They are markers we set for ourselves, to be picked up and examined when we need them.

 

The first thing that came to my mind was my acting class yesterday, but looking at what I've done and who I've spoken to all day I realized something really scary- I'm not truly myself as often as I think I am. I try, and I mean I consciously try to act truly and deliberately in my interactions with people (read The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz. Seriously). But we're so ingrained by our upbringings and socialization to act, to put on different faces and voices and hats. Even if it means censoring your words slightly, you act with everyone. I have found one person (a few animals, yes) who I can be truly myself with other than me, that is. But that's it. One. Out of the thousands I have encountered in my life. And I'm making a conscious effort here!
I don't think it's quite possible to remove the element of acting entirely from our lives; I don't  think our society could possibly function as it is without that element. I do believe that it's slow removal and diminishment would be incredibly beneficial. Even if it's only in tiny increments- if you tell someone the bare honest truth for once instead of sugar coating, if you don't put up a smile as a protective front, or if, when you feel like dancing or skipping or jumping for joy you do instead of holding back- you will be happier. You will get a little closer to uncovering that elusive true self of yours.

I go to school in NYC, and with the big crash on Wall Street I've been seeing a lot of lost looking people on the street (in addition to the usual hordes of lost looking tourists). My school is known for its business program, especially the Finance program. As a firmly Liberal Arts person in a group of very Wall Street Journal people I felt a little out of place, and a little looked down upon. I wrote this a few minutes after I saw this man wearing a business suit sobbing.

you were so steady
plan, path set, follow through til it's done
life turns counter, always.
i knew this. you couldn't.
you never took the time to see.
nothing is clockwork but a watch,
and even watches break.
you will find another trail.
pick yourself up, please
the bums are laughing at you.
pull yourself together, now
nothing is as bad once we pass it.
did they teach you that in accounting?
couldn't have. not in the curriculum.
you should really learn to break, before you crash.
I can show you, if you're not still too high and falling.

So many runners here!
I was a runner too. This past summer I decided to push myself as far as I could go. When I run on my own (as opposed to when I ran with my team) and it's just me doing the pushing, I go farther and faster somehow (my coach would hate to hear that).
I had just cast off alot of emotional things that were weighing me down, and I felt really, really light and new somehow.
I live really close to the ocean, so I ran the 4 mile trail there, the further mile or so to the waters edge, threw myself in, floated a while, realized that everything was going to be perfectly alright, ran down the beach for a bit, and back home. I'm not sure of the exact mileage, a little more than 11 probably, but the real journey ended when I got home, dumped the sand out of my shoes and realized a whole bunch of things: I could take myself wherever I wanted to go. Running until you run out of solid ground is one of the most incredible feelings you'll ever experience. And finally, most importantly, I discovered that I was finally completely happy being alone with myself.